This was taken about two weeks ago (at about 6 weeks old) and she already looks so much bigger to me! She looks a lot like her big sister but she has blue eyes, which are quite easy to lose yourself in, I must say. She has started to smile and make the tiniest little sweet noises.

Some thoughts, random ones

Random Thought #1: I was talking to a friend recently about adjusting to three kids. In general I feel like we're not doing too poorly but there are times that I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, in an overall state of grumpiness because I always seem to be running late, hearing that sound, you know the one, when you squish a Cheerio underfoot, and carrying at least one child screaming behind me. Try as I might to have things run smoothly by waking up just a little earlier, or preparing something ahead of time, or whatever, it doesn't seem to add up to enough! My friend shared with me something her mother said to her when she had a five year old, a three year old and newborn twins. My friend said she thought she was probably complaining about her husband not picking up the slack, and don't we all try and find WHO could possibly be to blame when the everyday doesn't seem to be the glimmering castle and ball gown we think it should?! Anyway, her mom said "You're giving 100%. And your husband is giving 100%. But that just isn't enough! THEY are taking more than 200%!" And it's so true! All those completely dependent people (and let's not forget synergy!) and only one mom and dad. It sounds discouraging on paper, but it was exactly what I needed to hear! No wonder I feel like I can't keep up! No wonder my house is a complete wreck! (My midwife suggested I hire some help a few mornings a week:) What I really need to do is take lots of deep breaths, do lots of body scans, and stop worry about what others might think of my messy but lived in house!
Random Thought #2: Peter is two! Yes, he's been that way for a while and it took me this long to realize it. He was being so completely frustrating the other day and it was like a bolt of lightening came down and struck me "He's two!" For some reason, this made me breath a sigh of relief that perhaps this isn't a permanent personality change but a phase. Frustrating for both of us, yes, but a phase. I'm sure it's frustrating for him too, learning to express himself and be heard by so many of the other bigger people in his life. We're reading Ramona Quimby to Jill right now and Beverly Cleary is so wonderful at describing (and reminding a parent) how hard it must be to be a child! At one point Beezus calls Ramona a pest. Ramona thinks to herself "Now that is just not fair because most of the time I really am trying not to be a pest. And no matter how hard I try I will just never be as big as everyone else in the family!" I'm paraphrasing but this little book really is just as much for parents as their children! I know my boy really is just trying to please me so hard all day long and it must be so discouraging for him when I don't recognize that!
Also the phrase opposition in all things comes to mind with the age of 2. We have at least 10 to 15 major meltdowns a day, sometimes even when he was getting his way to begin with but either didn't hear what was said or didn't get what he wanted fast enough. It's just rough being at the bottom of the totem pole! I got a visual reminder of this the other day when I was running him all around to the ward building, then to Jill's parent-teacher conference to be babysat by people he didn't know and back to the chapel. It was pouring down rain, his sweatshirt was hanging off of his shoulders, his froggy boots were on the wrong feet and he was stumbling after me shouting "Don't leave me, Mommy!" At the same time some of our sweetest family moments lately are surrounding this sweet boy. Today I wished I had a video camera on him all morning- he was saying the sweetest things. As we drove past a pasture by our house "We love you hor-shies! We love you horshies!" When I told him I was going to gobble him like a turkey "I'm not yummy. I'm a people." When we were running into a building to get out of the cold "Wait for me. You're my best guys." The capacity kids have to love and forgive is truly amazing! Why do I ever forget or fail to see that?
Random Thought #3: Tonight Jillian asked me if I was going anywhere (I went to a Relief Society Activity last week). I told her I was going to hang out with her, my favorite thing. She said "That's my best thing, too. Being with you, and my Peter and my Lucy and my Dad."
Random Thought #4: The fall here is gorgeous!
Random Thought #5: I realized about a month ago that I have become no fun. All work and no play and plenty grumpy about it! Why I had "decided" on this attitude I can't pinpoint but I think it had something to do with "I'm working hard here, darn it, and I want people to know it!" Anyway, I'm working on that because I still have lots of good years left in me! Ha!
Random Thought #6: Another Peter funny. The other day we were at the doctor's office for Lucy's one month check up. Peter was following the doctor with his eyes and then started following him with his body, just staring up at him. He's got quite an imposing physique, probably 6'4" or so. Anyway, after a while of closely watching the doctor examine Lucy he said very somberly "Bunnies eat carrots." The doctor's response was perfect, and also very serious. "Yes, yes they do."