Lucy's she-zure (seizure)

Some things I'm not sure why I feel compelled to record but this is one of them. It's certainly been on my mind since it happened. It's been about a month and a half ago now but it's run through my mind SO MANY TIMES! I always think I'll be tough and useful and spiritual if something awful happens to one of my children, I imagine myself stopping and saying a prayer or giving them a blessing if Dad's not around in a moment of crisis and then having such clarity of mind to know what to do. That did NOT happen! Kevin had left to take Peter to preschool, luckily he was home from Fayetteville that day, and Lucy and I were at home. I had been paying some bills and sorting through stuff for our move when she began to whine and said "I want you!" I picked her up and I'm so glad I did. She is never shy about vocalizing all her wants in a loud voice so sometimes I just let her go for a minute before responding to see if she'll work it out herself first. But when I picked her up, her body was SO HOT. She hadn't been feeling sick at all and had no other symptoms so I was surprised and said "Maybe we won't be going swimming. Do you want to go swimming with Jon Bradley or do you feel yucky?" At that point, I looked down and she was slumped over in my arms, making the faintest gurgling noise, and she was completely blue. BRIGHT blue! It was the most frightening thing that has ever happened to me. I moved her in my arms to try and look to see what was wrong because she was so limp I couldn't see her face at all. Her eyes were not focusing and she wasn't responding to me at all. I tried to sweep her little mouth with my finger to see if she was choking on something but her teeth were clamped shut. I can't even separate things out enough in my mind to know if I processed "Oh, her teeth are clamped, maybe she's having a seizure." I think the thought crossed my mind but immediately I thought "Yeah, but with what other things do people clamp their teeth together?!" She also wasn't shaking or foaming at the mouth or doing anything else I would associate with a seizure. She was just lifeless and so blue. I turned her over and started patting on her back and gently shaking her, shouting her name and I think even shouting for help. (See, no presence of mind, as no one else was in my house to hear me.) She suddenly started throwing up rather violently so I ran to the trash can thinking "Thank heavens, whatever was lodged in there has come up." But no such luck. After she threw up, she was still blue and not moving at all or looking at me. A part of me thought her heart was failing (because of the gurgling?). I ran back to the table to grab my phone to call 911 and then noticed Kevin was driving up. I ran outside with her little limp body in my arms and Kevin thought I was ecstatic he was home until he saw my face. He grabbed her and laid her in the grass (while I called 911). She threw up some more and, when Kevin checked, she had a pulse. By this point, she was starting to breath again, which Kevin noticed but I probably wouldn't have because I was freaking out. The blue was slowly leaving her face but she was still out of it. She finally started to moan and I think I finally felt a little relieved. We told EMS that we didn't need them to send an ambulance but that we'd take her to the ER at this point. We were pretty sure by now it had been a febrile seizure, which it was and which happens when a child from 6 months to 6 years has their body temperature rise or fall too quickly, but I did not want to be at home if it happened again! They let us stay in the ED for a little while because her heart was still beating so rapidly and because her fever was so high and not dropping, and I think because they were compassionate to Mommy. She slept for the rest of the day when we got home and felt completely better by the next day.

It is an awful feeling to think "This is it. I'm watching my child die and I can't do anything about!" It's the most humbling thing in the world to realize "No, I'm not. And I'm so, so, so grateful." It's strange to realize how much you physically feel that tie to this little person who has come from you and is a part of you. And it's unthinkable to think how parents go through losing a child and survive, literally. For those few minutes, my heart and mind just felt like they were going to explode. I'm assuming if you're really going through the loss of a child, you receive help from heaven to be able to live through the experience and keep going. And of course I now have no pretenses about how amazing I'll be in an emergency involving one of my children. I'm reminded of the scripture about how we need to thank our Heavenly Father for each breath we receive, and that day I truly felt the breadth of it. Each little hug from those sweet little arms is so precious!