Anyway, I've been trying to check myself when I start to feel frustration bottling up inside of me. Am I going to choose to take a few breaths and be happy? Or am I going to choose to be that angry person noone wants to be or be around? I see so many qualities in others that I would love to have but I'm going to choose to emulate those qualities instead of choosing to feel inferior because I'm not there yet. Rereading what I've written this all sounds so trite but just stepping back and asking myself "What am I going to choose? Am I going to choose to be happy?" has made SUCH a difference for me!
The day before we left St. Louis I realized big time "we've had it really good here". A friend offered to watch J at the park while I packed up (btw, she was moving the next day too but was generous enough to watch J since she had movers!) and when I showed up there were about 10 of our close friends there with their kids! Wow, I was overwhelmed all at once by the friendship and love of good friends by which I was surrounded. Kevin and I were so blessed during that time of our lives by wonderful friends. I would say that I especially was blessed to have friends to fill the long hours that Kevin was working hard. It was wonderful to have such a support system. But it has also been wonderful to SLOWLY realize that my life can be richer, if I allow it to be, by having that then and this now. I feel a little bit like Heavenly Father is weening me. Not from friends entirely, of course, but from the PLAY, PLAY, PLAY mentality of college life. Life isn't meant to be all work and no play but it isn't meant to be all play and no work either. (That being said, I still intend to play a lot:)
I'm sure these thoughts were heaven-sent because they have helped me so much. Such simple thoughts but so spot on for me. We just got home from sending my little brother off on his mission. I'm so excited for him and that he gets to focus his whole life right now on the gospel. He's such an awesome guy- a true example of being sincerely happy for the success of others. I look up to him so much. Pictures to come!
11.29.2009
A Choice
I can't remember what exactly lead me to the thought but recently I realized I have to choose to be happy. Whenever I am angry or un-Christlike with something or someone, I choose that, even if it is subconsciously. Up until a few months ago I had been feeling so frustrated with EVERYTHING and suddenly it just hit me. I'm choosing this for myself. This is not the person I want to be and yet here I am. A big grump, having no fun with my wonderful children and husband. I have a friend who has a statement on her blog that says "Moms have more fun. That's the real truth. I have a degree in journalism, experience abroad, but I'm at home loving life with my baby boy...Living is fun and I'm having a ball!" I had chuckled and thought, yeah, it is fun being a mom. And I'm in a similar situation as my friend. I had the chance to do a lot before I was a mom. But that was a bit in theory for me because I wasn't really living like I thought it was more fun.
And I was finding reasons why everyone around me was better than I was. Whether they were more beautiful, intelligent, creative, fun, used their time more wisely, more of a scriptorian...We had a lesson on Sunday about coveting and one of the sister missionaries pointed out how Satan has counterfeits for everything good God has. In this case, Satan has jealousy and the inability to be happy for someone else's accomplishments where God has admiration and emulation and pure joy in others accomplishments. To me, this was profound. God gives us the drive to want more for ourselves so that we work to become better, to improve, to become more like Him. The natural man in me has a tendency to compare but just saying to myself over the last few weeks "I want to be happy for this person" or "their success or relationship or whatever in no way takes away from what I have" has been like a pin I can use to deflate my own insecurities. When I step back and look at the situation, I would so much rather be the person without guile than the person who is envious. Simple, right? :)
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10 comments:
I felt you wrote that so beautifully--and it made me want to choose when I feel certain feelings coming my way too--thanks for making a difference to me--even though I am in a different stage of life--It still helps me
kevin said the family(some of the Gertsch) was coming in for Thanksgiving -love to hear about all the fun of being together
Whoah, again you wrote about something I have been struggling with lately. I also didn't appreciate how good we had it in Saint Louis. The first few months here were such a struggle: new baby, new house/ward/neighborhood, realizing how much Al was going to be gone, realizing we were going to have even more of a financial struggle here, single mom, etc. I was just so lonely it was eating me up. I was letting it eat me up. And it was hard for me to have moments of happiness. Most of my time was filled with frustration or resentment or jealousy. I was definitely feeling sorry for myself and was angry at those who I pegged with 'having it easy.'
Then one day, after a lot of complaining to my mom I'm sure, my mom said, "I'm going to try to help you to be happy, but you're going to have to try too." And it just really hit me. I wasn't trying at all. Instead I was just wallowing in my misery.
My life has gotten so much easier/better since my mom brought that to my attention. That I need to try, that I can make myself feel happy instead of anger and other bad feelings. Of course sometimes I still get those negative feelings, but realizing that I have a choice in the matter has made all the difference.
I think you are way too hard on yourself! You've always had such enthusiasm for everything in life (which makes you such a fun person to be around). I have always admired you for that!
I've been thinking along those same lines alot lately. Thanks for writing your thoughts down. It helps me to know other people think and feel the same as I do.
Just to add a little bit to your words of wisdom...I was sitting in the temple the other day and realized that God has commanded us to be happy. Just like all commandments we get to choose whether or not we obey them. But we have to make a conscious choice. It seems so simple, right?...just choose to be happy. But life is hard, we get distracted, we get discouraged. That's why every day is a new day and a day you get to make a choice.
Well, for what it's worth, I have always found you to be very positive and upbeat about so much. You are a breath of fresh air. I am with you though... it is a choice how we choose to live our lives. Great post.
Okay, I have to comment (although I found your blog via Jackie's months ago!). I've really been struggling with this same thing the last, oh, 6 months? Year? It's hard to say when it really started. But I've realized that now that my life is comprised of being a stay-at-homer, my happiness and joy are much more dependent on my choice to be happy than on my exposure to new experiences. Does that make sense? It used to be "easier" to be excited and happy and confident when life was always changing. Now that it's more routine, I have to work harder to find that excitement and joy in the everyday moments.
It's been an adjustment and I'm not sure I've got it beat, but I'm working on it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and inspiration :) Next time you're in PA, we should get together!! Please!
It's been a while since I checked up on you guys and it's amazing how so many of us moms can feel the same way no matter what the circumstances. I like what li'l mil wrote about finding happiness in the routine. It is so true that we have to find the joy in the monotony of the daily grind. I heard Pres. Packer say once that the duties of a homemaker are mundane for the purpose of allowing our minds to be free to teach our children. And it is true that dishes and laundry and cleaning require no intense thinking/concentration and I have had the best talks with my kids while doing these chores because my brain is free to engage in what they need at the moment. There can be joy in the everyday grind and it's true we just have to look for it. You wrote beautifully. Sure miss you all!
ummm you shouldn't be jealous of anyone because you are the coolest person I know!
Hey woman,man do you know how to hit a nail the head! You are an amazing writer, I just love the way you word things and amen to the last comment, you are one the coolest people i know. seriously! You are definitely one of those people I have told Devin,would be nice to carry around in my pocket and pull you out just to get a dose of good conversation with you. One of those people I want to be so much like. To emulate in every way. Really.
Remember that snack you fed me when I visited? Brie and berries and crackers, well we have that all the time now(when we can afford nice cheese) And I call I always think about you when I eat it. You are a such a refined, educated and down to earth person who anyone would feel at home with ALL at the same time. No one can pull that combo off like you do. Someday I hope to make other people feel that same way you do.
Well enough from from me. Love thos pics infront of the barn and punkin patch. Jillian should be a model.
Chelsey, you are SO awesome! I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and feelings about how sometimes it's hard not compare yourself to others, etc. I always relate to the things you say. Like your other friends commented, it's nice to know that we all struggle with a lot of the same things! I appreciate what you said about choosing to be happy - how true that is. We decide how to react to situations - sometimes it's hard not to let things frustrate or annoy me, so I have to make a greater effort. I miss you and wish we could hang out! Hope you guys had a great Christmas!!
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